Once you stretch a rubber band, it can never go back all the way.

I know we've stopped blogging.  I've thought about adding another post a hundred times, but I can never bring myself to do it.  Today, I think I have to, though.  The truth is, we haven't stopped blogging because  we've been to busy or something like that; things have gotten so bad here that we didn't want to depress anyone.  I was worried that if I tried to be witty or quippy I would end up sounding sardonic and cynical.  I figure by now no one is reading this anyway so I can speak freely.

Throughout my life I've been accused of being a smart ass (guilty as charged).  I would form opinions without the life experience to back them up but then share them with people as if I did.  I'm still young and without much life experience, I guess, but now I've seen some things, things that make reality a heck of a lot more complicated than they've ever been before.

When Ben and I go into a classroom, we can never predict what questions might pop up.  We always get the usual "Do you like China" and such.  Of course we can never tell the truth so we find some way to answer satisfactorily.  Somehow, though, the question of God has arisen lately.  I can't even choose the words to explain this; I have so many emotions rolling through me that are blocking verbalization.  Anyone who has ever called me naive, frankly, can shove it, because you have never seen naivete like this place can offer.  When these students look at me, their faces are tabula rasa.  I honestly to smack them and shout at them, "Wake up!  You have a brain!  Use it!"  They don't ask questions; they are told the "correct" answers and memorize them for a test then forget them immediately.  Oh, but they all remember that God does not exist.  How do you know God does not exist, I ask.  Because when we were in primary school, our teacher told us God does not exist.  That's what they say to me every single time.  I'm so angry the only reason I'm not throwing curse words around is in case some actually does read this.  I have so much rage inside me toward this place.  It's not that they all believe there is no God.  I have friends who don't believe in God, friends I respect a great deal.  But these students don't even give it a thought.  One of the biggest questions in human history and they don't even blink an eye at it.  In fact, they laugh.  Every time someone says "God" in a classroom, someone laughs.  Without fail.  They tell me that my God is not their god, that China has not had a god in many years.  They don't believe in God, but sometimes when they feel sad, they will pray to God for comfort.  What the hell kind of logic is that?????  No, really, that's the crap they are taught to believe.  And they accept it.  They can't see how illogical that is.  They are completely okay with praying to something that does not exist unless they need it to exist in their minds so that they might feel comfort.  Karl Marx:  "Religion is the opiate of the people."  That's it.  Okay, so I ask, "What about the soul?"  Is there such a thing as a human soul.  They tell me, our soul is in our mind.  So what happens when we die?  We die.  Then what is our purpose in life?  Why do we, humans, exist?  No answer.

And these kids are under unbelievable amounts of pressure to succeed, from their parents and from the government.  But for what?  Sure, maybe they can kick our butts in math, but they couldn't begin to tell you why 2 + 2 does not equal 5.  2 plus 2 is four and there is no need to ask why.  It's not really their fault, though.  This is what the government has done to its people, and it's convinced them all that it's good.  A student asked me what I thought of Chairman Mao.  I told her I did not like him.  She and her classmates said, "It's a pity."  These students aren't expanding their minds or learning how to be an adult.  They are learning how to be parrots.  They literally mimic everything I do.  They repeat what I say.  They mimic my hand motions.  And they stare.  Oh how they stare.

I have never doubted my own soul, nor have I doubted that humans do have a purpose on earth even if I don't know exactly what it is.  But when I'm here, so much of what I have come to understand is "human" goes away.  All the thought, the spirit, the emotion... I don't see it anywhere.

I do believe that Ben and I have done some good by being here, though.  I can see small progress with some of my nursing students.  Still, every day is a battle against an ideology and a mindset of chalkboards.  My mom always told me that I would argue with a brick wall.  Well, Mom, that's exactly what I feel like I'm doing here.  I'm not trying to convert these kids; that's not my job.  But I truly hope God is doing some good here, even if I can't see it.  I never truly believed that I could be His instrument, but if I am, I feel like a spoon against a boulder.